10 Ways Living With a Toddler Is Like Being in Prison

By Mike Julianelle

As a parent, your schedule is often dictated by the needs of your child, especially when that child is young.

The necessity of getting a toddler home for a nap — as well as the need to get them to bed for the night before the sun has even gone down — can cripple your day. Being sequestered in your home for a few hours is usually better than dealing with a public meltdown from an overtired toddler, so sometimes, the trade-off is worth it. Still, raising a toddler can be rather suffocating.

Latest Parenting Trend: The CTFD Method

By David Vienna, Screenwriter, playwright and author of  TheDaddyComplex.com

I know many people want to stay current with the latest parenting trends — attachment parenting, minimalist parenting, Tiger Mother parenting, et al. Well, I’ve stumbled upon a new technique that will guarantee your child grows up to be an exemplary student and citizen. It’s called CTFD, which stands for “Calm The F*ck Down.” And that’s not a message to give your kids. It’s for you.

Using CTFD assures you that — whichever way you choose to parent — your child will be fine (as long as you don’t abuse them, of course). To see it in action, here are some sample parenting scenarios and how CTFD can be employed:

• Worried your friend’s child has mastered the alphabet quicker than your child?Calm the f*ck down.
• Scared you’re not imparting the wisdom your child will need to survive in school and beyond? Calm the f*ck down.
• Concerned that you’re not the type of parent you thought you’d be? Calm the f*ck down.
• Upset that your child doesn’t show interest in certain areas of learning? Calm the f*ck down.
• Stressed that your child exhibits behavior in public you find embarrassing? Calm the f*ck down.

Yes, using the CTFD method, you’ll find the pressure lifted and realize your child loves you no matter what, even if they’ve yet to master the alphabet. You’ll also learn that whether or not you’re the best parent in the world, as long as you love your child, they’ll think you are and that’s what matters. Plus, CTFD makes you immune to those that prey upon the fears of new parents, like pseudoscientists and parenting authors.

To use CTFD, just follow these simple steps:

1. Calm the f*ck down.
2. There is no second step.