10 Ways Living With a Toddler Is Like Being in Prison

By Mike Julianelle

As a parent, your schedule is often dictated by the needs of your child, especially when that child is young.

The necessity of getting a toddler home for a nap — as well as the need to get them to bed for the night before the sun has even gone down — can cripple your day. Being sequestered in your home for a few hours is usually better than dealing with a public meltdown from an overtired toddler, so sometimes, the trade-off is worth it. Still, raising a toddler can be rather suffocating.

In fact, it’s uncanny how many aspects of the parenting experience remind me of prison — complete with a sadistic little warden who harbors a Napoleon complex.

10 Ways Having a Toddler is Like Being in Prison

• You can’t do anything without constant supervision

• Every morning begins with someone screaming at you to wake up

• You’re always terrified something bad will happen when you’re in the shower

• You’re always terrified someone is going to crawl into your bed in the middle of the night

• Meal time is fraught with tension

• Someone’s always watching you go to the bathroom

• You never get to choose the movie and then it’s hard to hear it over all the hooting and hollering

• You’re always terrified someone is going to punch, bite, tackle, stab or attack you with some kind of makeshift weapon

• Contraband — like booze, chocolate and adult entertainment — must be smuggled in and consumed in secret

• Conjugal visits are hard to come by, require intense scheduling, and are often interrupted

BONUS: One Way Having a Toddler is NOT Like Being in Prison

• Being placed in solitary confinement is a reward, not a punishment

@HP